Hank's Ass & Yo versus God

Some Yoans consider themselves Christians, Muslims, or the like, and this does not appear to pose a problem (see the distinction between the shared beliefs of Yoism and the personal beliefs of Yoans). Indeed, this does not pose a problem even though, at the core of Yoism, lies the acknowledgment that there is no interpersonally verifiable, valid basis for believing in the traditional "God" of these historically costly and tragically dangerous religious beliefs. Despite this "rejection of God," Yoism does maintain, however, that there are still some important things in "religion" (a baby, so to speak) that should not be thrown out (along with the truly dirty bathwater).

Though Yoism, The Open Source Religion, thus differs from Richard Dawkins' Atheism, the Yoan rejection of the Fantasy-God does provide seven distinct arguments in support of Dawkins' rejection of "God." If for some reason, Dawkins' and our arguments against the existence of the traditional "God" aren't convincing, consider the following, the eighth argument in support of the rejection of what most people mean when they use the word "God."

OK! OK! If you really must use the word, here is a very Yoan adaptation of "God" by Michael Dowd, co-creator of "The Great Story," an attempt to translate archaic, traditional God notions into modern notions compatible with science and evolutionary biology. [Also consider the serious problem of evangelical atheism.]
 

When you are done reading this, try asking yourself this question: "How do you know you shouldn't drop everything in your life and start kissing Karl's ass (if you can't kiss Hank's, that is)?" The question is not about whether you should believe in Kissing Hank's Ass. The emphasis in the question is on "How do you know?" You do know. You are certain, way "beyond a reasonable doubt," way beyond the standard of proof used in the US when deciding to kill a person guilty of a capital crime. That is, you possess a life and death certainty that it would be foolish to spend your life kissing Hank's Ass. But how can you be so sure?

Then we get to the critical point. After reading the story below, and after contemplating your absolute certainty that it would be absurd to join the First Church of Hank's Ass-kissers, we would ask you this: "What aspect of the basis for your certainty doesn't apply equally to the God of the traditional religions?"

I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than
you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible
gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours.
(Stephen Roberts)

Before Hank, consider Saint George (Carlin)

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Deadly Memes:
Hellfire, Brimstone, & Eternal Damnation

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Madalyn Murray O'Hair:
America's Most Influential Unbeliever
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Even an Eight & a Ten-Year-Old
Can Prove God Doesn't Exist!
(especially if, using specious, religious-style
logic, i.e., they START with their conclusion ;-)

Still not convinced? Well, before you read
the Parable of Hank, maybe you'd like to
buy some Sky Cake (or pie, or baklava).

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And here's

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BTW, does religious fanaticism scare you?
If so, take a look at what TERRIFIES religious fanatics!


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"But," you ask, "What about the
Proven Power of Prayer?"




































Kissing Hank's Ass

[Adapted slightly from the original by Rev. Jim Huber.]

In the beginning . . .

This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:

John: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."

Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me:   "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss His ass?"

John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, He'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, He'll kick the shit out of you."

Me:   "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"

John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do whatever He wants, and what He wants is to give you a million dollars, but He can't until you kiss His ass."

Me:   "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."

Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"

Me:   "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."

John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me:   "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"

Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."

Me:   "And has He given you a million dollars?"

John: "Well no. You don't actually get the money until you leave town."

Me:   "So why don't you just leave town now?"

Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and He kicks the shit out of you."

Me:   "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the million dollars?"

John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."

Me:   "Haven't you talked to her since then?"

John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."

Me:   "So what makes you think He'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"

Mary: "Well, He gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty-dollar bill on the street."

Me:   "What's that got to do with Hank?"

John: "Hank has certain 'connections.'"

Me:   "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."

John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass He'll kick the shit out of you."

Me:   "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to Him, get the details straight from Him..."

Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."

Me:   "Then how do you kiss His ass?"

John: "Sometimes we just blow Him a kiss, and think of His ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."

Me:   "Who's Karl?"

Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."

Me:   "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss His ass, and that Hank would reward you?"

John: "Oh no! Karl has a letter he got from Hank years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."


From the Desk of Karl        

  1. Kiss Hank's ass and He'll give you a
    million dollars (when you leave town).

  2. Use alcohol in moderation.

  3. Kick the shit out of people who aren't like you.

  4. Eat right.

  5. Hank dictated this list Himself.

  6. The moon is made of green cheese.

  7. Everything Hank says is right.

  8. Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.

  9. Don't use alcohol.

  10. Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.

  11. Kiss Hank's ass or He'll kick the shit out of you.


Me:   "This appears to be written on Karl's letterhead."

Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."

Me:   "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."

John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."

Me:   "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"

Mary: "Not now, but years ago He would talk to some people."

Me:   "I thought you said He was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're different?"

Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."

Me:   "How do you figure that?"

Mary: "Item 7 says 'Everything Hank says is right.' That's good enough for me!"

Me:   "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."

John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."

Me:   "But 9 says 'Don't use alcohol.' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."

John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."

Me:   "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..."

Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."

Me:   "Not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."

John: "Ha! You just admitted that scientists don't know.  But we know Hank is always right!"

Me:   "We do?"

Mary: "Of course we do, Item 7 says so."

Me:   "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Hank's right because He says He's right.'"

John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."

Me:   "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"

Mary: (She blushes.)

John: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."

Me:   "What if I don't have a bun?"

John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."

Me:   "No relish? No Mustard?"

Mary: (Mary looks positively stricken.)

John: (He's shouting.) "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"

Me:   "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"

Mary: (Sticks her fingers in her ears.) "I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."

John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."

Me:   "It's good! I eat it all the time."

Mary: (Mary faints.)

John: (He catches Mary.) "Well, if I'd known you were one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."

(With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.)


If, in lieu of Hank, you aren't inspired by the thought of
kissing Karl's Ass, here's a truly inspirational message
from the desk of the genuine Saint Carl


And Remember: "Only the Good Die Young."


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And if contemplating Hank's Ass didn't convince you,
consider the verified, incontrovertible proof
produced by this very famous Yoan:

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Still Not Convinced?
Try Asking the Hindu's Question, "Where is this Heaven?"

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And if kissing Hank's Ass isn't exactly your cup of tea, take a
look at Family Guy, Peter Griffin's First Church of the Fonz.

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And if you must believe, here's
a fairy tale God to reconsider ;-)


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first paragraph is too hard to read

I encourage you to use shorter sentences in general - break your thoughts into digestible bites. For example: 'Indeed, this does not pose a problem even though, at the core of Yoism, lies the acknowledgment that there is no interpersonally verifiable, valid basis for believing in the traditional "God" of these historically costly and tragically dangerous religious beliefs.' How about instead saying something like: The patriarchal daddy-in-the-sky version of God is inconsistent with Yoism's embrace of inter-subjective verification as the foundation for our beliefs. This notion of God, prevelent among Judeo-Christian-Islamic religious traditions (although not nearly as common among Buddhism or Hinduism, etc.), has been used to justify authoritarian rule for centuries, and has led to immense tragedy and injustice. This alternative phrasing has the following clarity: 1) not all people who identify with Judeo-Christian-Islamic traditions believe in this notion of God 2) not all notions of God are rejected by Yoism (no need to put "God" in quotes) "If you don't live yo, yo won't come out of your horn." Charlie Parker