Spaghetti & Pulsar Activating Meatballs: It's SPAM! Soylent Green is SPAM!

The Flying Spaghetti Monster vs. SPAM (Spaghetti & Pulsar Activating Meatballs)

In the summer of 2005, we found this interesting phenomenon that was generating a remarkable amount of Internet buzz. Over 19 million hits in less than a few weeks (four million in just two days) were claimed at the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM) web site.

FSM is a response to Creationism and its equally insipid (but somewhat more glib) offspring, Intelligent Design (ID). In a letter sent to the Kansas School Board, the "scientific" theory was presented that the universe was created by FSM. As a scientific theory, the author argued, FSM should be taught along with ID and evolution. (A modified version of the original letter is presented below.)

The page you are visiting now—a response to FSMism—has generated considerable buzz of its own:

. . . the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster flourishes. It even has schisms. A rival faction, based on SPAM (Spaghetti & Pulsar Activating Meatballs), has formed." (The New York Times, August 29, 2005)

While obviously a parody, there is a serious aim in this enterprise: The goal is to attempt to communicate the absurdity an evolutionist experiences when hearing that the Kansas School Board seriously considered and then decided that ID is a valid scientific alternative that should be taught in its public schools alongside the theory of evolution. To the evolutionist who sees ID as religion disguised as science, FSM is absurd. But it is no more absurd than the claim that ID is science. This and other problems comprise the serious fallout when the false, fantasy religions become a society's guide.

Amazingly, this attempt to block science from our public schools was written into law over eighty years ago, and has yet to be resolved. The classic film, "Inherit the Wind," which was made almost a half century ago, captured the essence of this conflict in some of the most inspirational moments in the history of cinema.

Click "Play" to start.

Before we get to Intelligent Design versus Spaghetti (which, BTW, is a close contest), you might want to view some brief videos of the Daily Show's Jon Stewart, Ed Helms, and Lewis Black, and a response by Pat Robertson. That page begins with pieces excerpted from a Daily Show series called "Evolution Schmevolution." For a more serious—but equally entertaining—clarification of the distinction between Creationism, ID, and real science, see the Penn & Teller Creationism video and this brief essay by Dawkins & Coyne. You may also be interested in "15 Answers to Creationist Nonsense," featuring Bill Maher, The Family Guy, and The Simpsons. And then, of course, there is Supernatural Selection.

Humor is Sacred! Laughter is Blessed! Yoism is Serious!

Truth Revealed! The Universe Was Created by SPAM

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Full size image by Niklas Jansson can be seen at http://www.venganza.org/touched.htm


Alex Goddard asks the musical question:
"What if God wanted pasta sauce?"

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THE ONE, TRUE "OPEN LETTER TO THE KANSAS SCHOOL BOARD"

Adapted from the original "Open Letter to the Kansas School Board"
that was written and actually sent by Bobby Henderson (see below).

I am writing with much concern after having read of your hearing to decide whether the alternative theory of Intelligent Design should be taught along with the theory of Evolution. I think we can all agree that it is important for students to hear multiple viewpoints so they can choose for themselves the theory that makes the most sense to them. I am concerned, however, that students will only hear one theory of Intelligent Design.

Let us remember that there are multiple theories of Intelligent Design. I and many others around the world are of the strong belief that the universe was created by the all-powerfull combination of Spaghetti & Pulsar Activating Meatballs (SPAM). SPAM created all that we see and all that we feel. The overwhelming scientific evidence pointing towards evolutionary processes is nothing but a coincidence, put in place by Them.

It is for this reason that I’m writing you today, to formally request that this alternative theory be taught in your schools, along with the other two theories. In fact, I will go so far as to say, if you do not agree to do this, we will be forced to proceed with legal action. I’m sure you see where we are coming from. If the Intelligent Design theory is not based on faith, but instead another scientific theory, as is claimed, then you must also allow our theory to be taught, as it is also based on science, not on faith.

Some find that hard to believe, so it may be helpful to tell you a little more about our beliefs. We have incontrovertible evidence that Spaghetti & Pulsar Activating Meatballs created the universe. None of us, of course, were around to see it, but we have written accounts of it. The True story of Creation was told by the Great SPAM, Themselves, to the heretofore secretive scholar and scientist, the also-great Skamfor Profit. We have decided that it is time for us to bring Skamfor Profit's written account of Creation "out of the closet," so to speak.

We are now revealing, for the first time, several lengthy volumes explaining all details of SPAM power. Also, you may be surprised to hear that there are over 10 million of us, and growing. We have tended to be very secretive, as many people claim our beliefs are not substantiated by observable evidence. What these people don’t understand is that SPAM built the world to make us think the earth is older than it really is. For example, a scientist may perform a carbon-dating process on an artifact. He finds that approximately 75% of the Carbon-14 has decayed by electron emission to Nitrogen-14, and infers that this artifact is approximately 10,000 years old, as the half-life of Carbon-14 appears to be 5,730 years. But what our scientist does not realize is that every time he makes a measurement, SPAM are there changing the results with one of Their many Great Noodly Appendage Tools (GNATs). We have numerous texts that describe in detail how this can be possible and the reasons why They do this. They are of course invisible and can pass through normal matter with ease. But to the consternation of modern scientists, Their GNATs change the results of all measurements, according to Their holy whim.

I’m sure you now realize how important it is that your students are taught this alternate theory. It is absolutely imperative that they realize that observable evidence is at the discretion of the Great SPAM. Furthermore, it is disrespectful to teach our beliefs without wearing Their chosen outfit, which of course, consists solely of clothing obtained from any Victoria's Secret catologue. Yes, we now reveal Victoria's secret: Following the dictates of SPAM, we surreptitiously developed the catalogue company to spread the wearing of the sacred undergarments. We are now encouraging all who have been secretly wearing the holy vestments to heed the call to "Shed your outer layers!" (In colder climates, the sacred underwear may simply be worn on the outside.)

As just one example of our many scientific proofs, you may be interested to know that global warming is both real and brought about by SPAM. SPAM have decided to intervene in human affairs once again and to let Their prescence be known through Their impact on our weather. Why? Because They are angry. They are angry (mostly at those living in the Coastal Blue States of North America) because, among the most powerful and affluent people—the very people whom Spaghetti & Pulsar Activating Meatballs have favored with abundance—there has been a precipitous drop in the consumption of pasta.

Full size, original image by Niklas Jansson can be seen at http://www.venganza.org/touched.htm

Yes, the most affluent and enlightened have turned away from the sacred carbohydrate-based food pyramid and begun to follow the evil beliefs promulgated by the Atkins, Zone, South Beach, and Stillman cults. Following these blasphemers, they have been engaging in disgusting orgies of protein and fat consumption. They let their dinner rolls go stale. They don't even touch their pasta. Just take a look at the evidence gathered from selected areas of the North American continent alone:

In conclusion, thank you for taking the time to hear our views and beliefs. I hope I was able to convey the importance of teaching this theory to your students. We will of course be able to train the teachers in this alternate theory. I am eagerly awaiting your response, and hope dearly that no legal action will need to be taken.

I think we can all look forward to the time when these three theories are given equal time in our science classrooms across the country, and eventually the world. One third time for Intelligent Design. One third time for SPAM. And one third time for that flimsiest of all bases for believing: logical conjecture based on abundant observable evidence, that is, so-called "evidence" unsupported by one single word spoken directly by the Creators to Their chosen interlocutor, i.e., evidence presented without a divinely handpicked Special Node Of Truth!

Sincerely Yours,

Skamfor Profit,
A Concerned Citizen




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FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER!
(flying spaghetti monster)
PIE SAUCUS DOMINE
(merciful lord of tomato sauce)
RAMEN
(amen)

The History of SPAM & the Truth
about the Flying Spaghetti Monster

SPAMation is a break away theory of creation that was formed to correct the dangerous path taken by Flying Spaghetti Monsterism (FSMism, pronounced ef-fes-se-mi-sm, with the same rhythm and syllabic emphasis found in the word "effeminism").

The Sacred Letter

FSMism was also formed in the attempt to get alternatives to Intelligent Design and evolution on the Kansas school curriculum. A similar letter (from which most of our corrected, improved, superior letter was taken) was written and, unlike our letter, was actually sent to the Kansas School Board by Bobby Henderson, the founder of FSMism. In the original (flawed) letter, Bobby endorsed the notion of teaching alternatives to the mere "Theory" of Evolution, alternatives such as Intelligent Design. His letter simply requested that if the Kansas School Board was going to add the "scientific" theory of Intelligent Design, they should also add the empirically tested and proven Theory of FSMism to the curriculum. Thus the heresy of FSMism began.

The best argument AGAINST Intelligent Design is the Kansas Board of Education![By the way, believe it or not, at the time, three of the ten members of the Kansas School Board responded to Bobby and pledged to support putting FSMism on the curriculum! No kidding.]

The One, True Letter to the Kansas School Board & The Skamfor Prophecy

Though Bobby Henderson wrote and actually sent the original letter to the Kansas School Board, the letter presented above is now The One, True Letter, as anyone who takes the time to compare them will plainly see. Each modification of the Henderson original was dictated by SPAM directly to Skamfor Profit, just minutes before Skamfor was taken up to Heaven where, as he prophesied, he disappeared without a trace.

The Billion Dollar Challenge!

The total disappearance and complete eradication-without-a-trace of Skamfor was the miraculous fulfillment of the Skamfor Prophecy. This Prophetic Prediction followed by Miraculous Fullfilment is compelling evidence of the Final, Absolute Certitude of Credible, Divine Authority attributable to the Profitable Revelation, otherwise known as the FACOCDA PR (often written as "Facockda PR" and pronounced fa-cock-da). That is, the truth of the Facockda PR is attested to by the complete and total disappearance of Skamfor — a disappearance so total it miraculously left no trace of any evidence that Skamfor ever existed! — which occurred exactly as he prophesied.

The perfect fulfillment of the Skamfor Prophecy is incontrovertible proof of the Truth of SPAM: We are so certain of the purity of our Perfect Incontrovertible Sacred Spam, we are offering an unheard of $1,000,000,000.00 reward (ONE BILLION DOLLARS) to anyone who can produce a single shred of evidence that can cast doubt on the fulfillment of the Skamfor Prophecy. Yes, that means we will give One Billion Dollars to anyone who can provide any evidence that indicates that our Prophet Profit ever existed!

95 Feces: The Final S Scatology

Prior to the completion of the Facockda PR, knowing he was facing the end of his days, Skamfor wrote his now famous Skamfor Scatology (the S Scatology), which he called his "95 Feces," now known as His Feces. He nailed His Feces to the sliding, stained glass door of the FSMism's First Church of Pastafarian Science (which was then known as the Church of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion). In His Feces (which he subtitled, Dishonest Advice), Prophet Profit, referring to Pastafarian followers of FSM, stated:

First, their temples should be set on fire, and whatever does not burn up should be covered or spread over with dirt so that no one may ever be able to see a cinder or a stone of it. . . . [Pastafarian homes should likewise be] broken down or destroyed. Pastafarians should then be put under one roof or in a stable . . . in order that they may realize that they are not masters in our land. They should be put to work to earn their living by the sweat of their noses . . . These poisonous bitter worms should be stripped of their belongings which they have extorted usuriously from us and driven out of the country for all time. (Dishonest Advice)

The Miracle of Reverse Transubstantiation

[To witness the Miracle of Reverse Transubstantiation, click a noodly appendage.]
Reverse Transubstantiation:  Flying Spaghetti Monster reverts to Jesus Christ.


The Cruhad* Cometh: SPAMation vs. FSMism

*Crusade/Jihad.

Before he ascended, Skamfor informed SPAMation that all those who believe in Henderson's FSM version of the Letter will be sent—with only waxed-paper wrapping to protect them—into the sub-zero void of interstellar space, where they will be subjected to eternal freezer burn. To those of you who have already dabbled in FSMism, we beg you to turn away from FSM and to embrace SPAM.

Once again humanity is faced with the heretical notion that the Creator is of just one form, Spaghetti. This despite the fact that, over 1600 years ago at the Councils of Nicea and Constantinople, it was decided and eventually established (at great cost in human life and blood) that the Creator is of three equal eternal forms, all of the same substance. Yes, there is Spaghetti. But there is also Meatball. And one must never forget the unmentioned but omnipresent Interstitial Sauce, the IS of all exIStence.

Finally, because Henderson's FSM theory is based on the absurd notion that global warming is caused by the reduction in the number of pirates in the world (!) and not on the true cause, the failure to eat pasta, SPAMites feel it is our sacred duty to put an end to FSM theory. Unlike FSM, SPAM is a true scientific theory that cannot ignore paradigm busting contradictions in the data:

[If not animated, click "refresh," "reload," or Ctrl-F5.]
The fact is that there are plenty of pirates operating on the high seas today; this proves that FSMism is false. The Henderson letter is now outdated and has been thoroughly supplanted by the new SPAMation Dispensation. Since the advent of the Skamfor Prophecy, pirate dress has been considered an abomination, as are pirates and all those who wear pirate regalia. Indeed, the entire pirate-based global warming notion is simply "empirically unsound," (which is the worst insult a SPAMite will speak in mixed company).


Another Heretical View of
the "Real" Cause of Global Warming

and

Why It Is Imperative that We Organize, Now!


To download, right-click here and then click "save target as" or "save link as."


While SPAMites wish no ill will on FSMers or anyone else, ours is not to question the will of SPAM. Only SPAM can forgive. As it is written, "SPAM giveth and SPAM taketh away." While SPAMites do not advocate violence, we are committed to whatever it takes to correct misguided notions about global warming, before it is too late, i.e., before The Wrath of SPAM is made into a grade D, Star Trek sequel.

SPAM Help Us! It's Already Too Late!

Recently we uncovered evidence of a nefarious Pastafarian plot. Using the universal antipathy toward unsolicitated email, the First Church of Pastafarian Science has united with the Reformed Church of Alfredo to generate Anti-spamitic hatred. The lies being spread falsely link SPAM to the scourge of email ads promoting larger peni, cheap Mexican Viagrarian Erections, interest free mortgages, BLT (Barely Legal Teens), and billions in an African bank account that Microsoft wants to mail to the first three million people who forward the link to this page to everyone they know. Using these lies, Anti-spamites have begun a campaign of violence against all those of the SPAMish persuasion. If you don't believe us, check out this brief video documentary. The Cruhad Cometh.


R. Crumb's Meatball

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Finally, we pray for the return of the day
when SPAM was universally considered
to be a mainstay of human nutrition and was
heartily consumed by all proper thinking people:

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SPAM is people!


Check out all the wholesome goodness in Armour's complete line of meat food products.




No way WE came from apes!




Click down here for some actual evidence.  



Also see some of our other evolution pages, featuring Jon Stewart,
Stephen Colbert, Ali G, Kent Hovind, Bill Maher, Lewis Black, Duane Gish,
Penn & Teller, Ed Helms, Bill Hicks, Richard Dawkins, and much more:

Evolution SchmevolutionCreationism vs Science
Supernatural SelectionSPAM versus Intelligent Design
and E. O. Wilson's call for a religion like Yoism.



Teaching Fairy Tale Delusions to Children

[While playing, right or double-click the center of screen to enlarge.]


To download, right-click here and
then click "save target as" or "save link as."


And if SPAM isn't your cup of tea,
Check out the latest "One True Religion!"
Pussyology:  The one true religion of cats.



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